Today I'm blogging from the beach. It's a beautiful day and I feel happy, relaxed and in good spirits (which is surprising because carbs were just removed from my diet-14 days till Showtime!-so I had anticipated being kind of cranky).
|love skywriting at the beach!|
Yesterday, however, wasn't so peaceful. Do you ever have those days where no matter what you just can't snap out of your misery??? My morning got off to a rushed start when I misplaced my house keys. I had just finished a tough legs session with my trainer and had an hour to kill before work. I went to my boyfriends apartment to enjoy breakfast and some nice alone time to relax a bit before starting my shift. As soon as I got to the apartment I realized my keys were at my house. Oops. So I spent the free hour racing back and forth, scarfed down breakfast in minutes and off to work I went...a little late. I forgot my keys and a few other things throughout the morning and my head just felt like a cloud after an explosion!!! A big poof of air with little particles floating around in no particular direction. After work my mom wanted to go shopping so I figured a little retail therapy and doing my makeup and getting dressed would make me feel better. For whatever reason it didn't. Looking in the mirror, all I could see was this ugly girl staring back. So i tried my best to cover her up with globs of dark eyeshadow, liner and mascara. That didn't work. I was just off, feeling down on myself and couldn't shake it! My mind starting
racingobsessing. I nitpicked every last feature and every inch of my body in negative ways. I thought about possible ways to compensate for my supposed "flaws": Maybe I need botox?
I should get like twenty layers of a spray tan
I'd look SO much better with permanent hair and eyelash extensions
Who am I kidding? I need to start wearing makeup everyday
I don't even want to eat
I'm not working out enough When I noticed my mind going back to those places (the eating and exercise obsessions) I knew I was falling into the mind game trap. Even though in the moment I didn't believe them, I repeated some positive affirmations. I Reminded myself that none of this nonsense is true! It's all mind games. When I got back to Dan's apartment after shopping I was starting to feel better, but still a little off. I sat in the other side of the room, curled up in a ball and ignored him. Eventually I realized what I was doing and felt bad for taking it out on him. Later in the night we ended up talking and snuggling. He blamed my mood on my nervousness and anticipation for the show. He reminded me that every time I have a goal for myself I borderline-obsessively put 100% of everything I have towards achieving that goal. Being a perfectionist can be a problem sometimes... He was completely right! I was anxious about the show and how I would do and I let that thought consume me. Worrying that I may not win first place made me feel like I'm not good enough. That carried into my day and me feel not "pretty/muscular/smart" etc. enough. But that's not true. Those mind games are dangerous and can completely consume you! It's important to be aware of these thoughts and know that they're irrational. Repeating positive affirmations has helped me. I went to bed thinking positive and reminded myself that tomorrow is a new day, and I'm blessed to be here!
|no makeup...not so terrible ;)|